Emily's Berlin

Emily Beilschmidt was a girl with dreams and an eye for the future, but I don't think I even know who she is anymore. She shot for the stars and was never disheartened when she fell a little short, she got up and tried again, and again, and again. Emily Beilschmidt knew what she wanted in life, she knew where she was going and that she would be successful, and most importantly of all she learned from her mistakes.

Was it so wrong for a girl to dream deeply with stars in her eyes, remembering what life used to be? Was it so wrong for her to want to return back there, even if she had to crawl? Emily Beilschmidt's mind was filled to the brim with memories and people, and even if all but one of them were lost from sight and blurred from mind, she continued walking in worn-soled trainers down the beaten track. Never popular and never caring for popularity, Emily Beilschmidt was the girl in blue who sat submissively alone in the lunch hall, but always alive in classes with plenty of burning questions which poured from her mouth in relentless streams. Yes, Emily Beilschmidt was going to go far.

Marlene le Tallec was Emily's best friend; inherently beautiful, quite clever and up for a good time - and Emily was very happy during her years. But Marlene herself was never content with their mutual knowledge grounds - they were closer than sisters, but that did not prevent 'Faction before blood' ripping them apart just like the rest. And Emily Beilschmidt knew, she knew why she'd done it even if it broke her heart. Every move strategic, as she moved on she began feeling emptier and emptier inside. Visiting Marlene was made tolerable by the drinks the Fervor offered, and she was too drunk to care; but in truth, it hurt. Emily was the violin player with the voice, flying against the wind, walking against the flow - and she knew she'd always be alone in the end, as if it were destiny. Emily didn't even think about it.

The other girl was Kyarah Mansfield, who always took an opportunity when she saw it - in this way, the two bonded, and for weeks they spent time in the laboratory whilst they tried to figure out things, although it was mostly for Kyarah's means. This allowed Emily to request favours to further her own ideas also, and it was quickly a mutually beneficial partnership. It took a lot of stealing on Emily's part, and these favours to get her real dream started up - a freer life like there had once been back home. Building the Allegiant concept from the ground up, Emily reached back out to Marlene - they'd been in contact but not as much as Emily would like. Of course, not being a very motivational leader, she handed the reins to Marlene, because she was perfectly content being the brains rather than the beauty. She was quickly vital and Emily sometimes used that to complete her own goals, but eventually the Allegiant was born. Emily had other final aims, however - ones she hadn't even said.

All Emily had wanted from the beginning was Berlin. And she hid behind the values in hope that it would someday regain her her homeland. Emily quickly fell in love with her best friend, and it impeded her effort significantly; it was not until the visit to Erudite headquarters that the girl with the dreams, almost machine-like in her efficiency, broke down. And it was all because of Kyarah Mansfield's distorted idea of futuristic science. Once her girlfriend's life had been placed on the line, Emily fought hard, wild and blunt. Inevitably, it was going to go the other way too, in the most sadistic and teasing way possible. Emily Beilschmidt's fingers brushed her dream and clutched at its crimson fabric. She saw it and she felt it, and she felt able to just let go and drift away. In reality, Marlene le Tallec made one decision, that brought Berlin, the simulated Berlin, crashing down again before Emily. Reliving deaths and horrors.

And it was then, at that very moment that Emily Beilschmidt ceased to be Emily Beilschmidt, and became me.

I've been a fool, and I've been blind. Clutching at straws, clutching at anything I ever could. Obsessed with getting Berlin back, and losing whatever I was in its blanket of tears, and its clouds. I was so sure of myself, as I figured out how to do it. Kyarah's method would have worked without the trigger and I'm sure it would have - the way I went about finding it was perhaps not the wisest. Unbeknownst to Kyarah's updated death serum I was sure of myself when I ran in to find it. It took me five minutes to take memory serum and go - by which point I had fifteen to do what I must.

I know I am no better than the English now, and I feel terrible, making Marlene go through it again. But it's better than a life of remembering, and I know that. The other syringe is still in my hand, and it's neither death serum nor memory serum. Five minutes, as I put Marlene on her bed and kiss her for what I know is the last time. And I mutter the words - just a few. "Francis, I'm leaving soon and you're really really in my thoughts..." I put my precious violin, made in Berlin, beside her. Perhaps she'll treasure it like I did.

Whatever I was fades away into unreality, injecting the final syringe into myself. It's the dream, my final dream. Pain still courses through me as I find my bed, and look at the smiling faces of Friedrich and Lucia. The dream is real, my whole life's work is real, so I am no longer needed here. My final words escape me. "I'm home,"

Yes. I'm home.